“Why does my mind keep going around in circles over this?”
Emotional reactivity is the glue that adheres together our thoughts about how we experience relationships, expectations, and self identity. Once we realize a thought is present, we decide if it’s worthy of our attention. If we react emotionally, we call forth the parental function of our psyche “the head-hancho” of ego, also known as the superego. This useful trisect of our mental functioning provides judgment and guidance. If our super ego decides to lead with love and acceptance in this instance, we can easily accept the negative thought(s) and move along. However, if the guardian or moral law feels threatened and rolls out the doom and gloom, then you have found yourself on the red carpet of intrapsychic conflict. Whether it’s deeply rooted in primary attachment figures (i.e., parents) or an amalgamation of stressors that your mind can’t handle; it’s time to call in a mediator of some type. Depending on the severity, you may find solace in the form of self talk, consulting a therapist, participating in a yoga class, or talking to a family member/ friend. The key to a cease fire on the emotional battlefield is a peaceful disarmament of the emotional reaction. While you cannot control every thought that goes through your mind, you can control how you respond.
Let’s try an exercise to illustrate this theory. I want you to sit in a chair with both feet flat on the ground. Tell your mind that for the next few minutes, do not…don’t dare think of the sensations in your right foot. Try not to notice the sensation. Unless you’ve been practicing meditation, this task is almost impossible. However, it is easy, however, to tell yourself that for the next few minutes I will not pick up my right foot.
We argue with our thoughts and they hang out in our minds when we give them emotional attention (which is actually an appropriate response in a crisis situation). This is precisely the thesis of living in the moment with as little suffering as possible: If you wish to entrench a thought, condemn it, avoid it, and fight it. If you wish to liberate a thought or position, accept it, dance with it.
“Taking the bad with the good.”
It sounds simple but it’s not. Embracing the bad feelings we spend so much of our lives avoiding is difficult. There are specific techniques such as mindfulness, cognitive behavioral therapy, self talk, acceptance therapy, and therapies that provide exposure to the worry/fear, that have been scientifically proven to decrease, if not eliminate, the symptoms altogether. The commonality of all these interventions is simply that when you do not accept the present moment, it becomes heavier and longer. “I’m never going to lose weight.” “This relationship will end.” “I won’t find a job.” These thoughts are all part of the psychological immune system attacking itself. If we can live with the fear, the uncertainty, and the worry of what occasionally is a painful reality, there will be less emotional suffering. You do not have to struggle to free your thoughts, just take a moment and be still. Sit with the pain, examine it with curiosity, acknowledge its presence and, as a good non-judging parent, gently remind yourself of the reality. Shift the perspective of these symptoms as “bad” to thinking of these reactions as “interesting”. By accepting what the present experience has to offer, you give yourself permission to explore possibilities.
Written by: Julie Barbour, LCSW owner and founder of Clinical Hour, LLC
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This article is intended for the non-medical, lay person. The terminology utilized in this document is not precisely congruent with psychoanalytic or psychiatric nomenclature. Diagnosable forms of anxiety disorders are characterized by uncontrollable worry; correlated somatic symptoms include muscle tension and sleep disturbances that ultimately cause impairment in daily functioning. If you feel that you may be suffering from a form of anxiety disorder, intervene on your own behalf by contacting your local mental health clinic, primary care doctor or a licensed mental health professional.
